A Note on Why Rationalizing Grief Doesn't Work & How to Truly Process Loss

Hey Friend,

Here is another blog from the Grief Vault. In this excerpt I walk you through DOING the grief work. Buckle up, buttercup. Do you have your tissues? Your tea? Your emotional support snuggie? This blog includes some potentially controversial elements (re: Jesus and some of his ideas) and the utilization of fictional character, Rory Gilmore, to make a very important point about forgiveness. I hope your mind is open and your heart is prepared. Let’s dive in.

If you’re reading this because you’ve lost a loved one, gone through a messy divorce or breakup (yes, that’s counts as grief), or if you’ve separated yourself from a less than loved one, please remind yourself that all the struggle and complexity of emotions you feel are natural. And while time can certainly put “distance” in between you and the loss/breakup event, time doesn’t guarantee emotional resolution. But that’s why we take our time and do the actual work. That's what this blog is here for.

#1 Rationalize less. Feel more.

Loss/breakups can feel so impossible because our brains want to intellectualize the experience and find rational reasons for why things happened. We want clean lines in order to move on. We desperately seek logic to point to so that it all makes sense. Because if it makes sense, there’s nothing left to ruminate on, right? Wrong.

This is a theory that so many of us have internalized as truth. I hate to be the one to spit in your Cheerios, but rationalizing the experience will rarely resolve your grief. Say it with me now. This is why it doesn’t feel good when other people say, “everything happens for a reason.” Because we’re over here like Cardi B screamin’ “WHAT WAS THE REASON!?”

Rationalizing the experience rarely resolves grief. One more time for the Boomers in the back. (Love you, Boomies, mean it.) In fact, grief is not something that can be resolved. It’s an array of complex emotions that demand to be felt. But this doesn’t mean we can’t work to manage these emotions and process our pain.

Rationalizing has become the default coping mechanism for dealing with unpleasant scenarios because we have been taught to be “fixers” rather than “feelers.” Feelings seem to have no place in our world because they distract us from being productive. And being productive dictates our worth. And being worthy directly correlates with what we will get out of life: money, love, friendship, unlimited puppies, a Tesla, vacations on a yacht with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Our society rewards people who can problem-solve, not people who are in touch with their emotions. Which would your employer rather see on a resume? “Solutions-oriented go-getter” or “Intuitive empath who cries when she needs to.” The world is totally oblivious to the fact that you can be BOTH. And in fact, learning how to be the latter actually improves your ability to be the former.

Grief is rooted in invisible energies that formed the relationship: emotions.

Logically, I know why my Mom died. She battled cancer and lost. I can’t deny that cancer shouldn’t have killed her. That part makes sense. So if rationalizing is supposed to fix me... after she died I should have been able to say “Ah yes, cancer kills people. Roger that. Oh well. Sayonara Deb!” Do you think that’s what happened? No, I was curled up in a ball shoving my face full of Cheezits, in my emotional support bathrobe, sobbing on the floor asking “why her” and “why me” when I was supposed to be in Gen Psych 101 learning about childhood trauma. The irony.

You do not need to rationalize why you lost someone, why you were dumped, why some relationships turned toxic, why you had to endure this pain. What you should focus on is accepting your emotions as they are, in all their suckish glory. Let go of “why” and focus on “where.” More specifically, where do I feel this pain in my body? Where are my emotions at right now? Where/how can I release what I feel bubbling up?

The work: Practice acknowledging emotions. If this has been a struggle for you in the past focus on the where. Where do I feel this in my body? Make a list**.** (I feel my heart racing, I feel myself getting sweaty, I feel a tingling in my toes, etc.) Most of our healing doesn’t come from thinking, analyzing or rationalizing, (though some of this can be helpful). Most of our healing comes from grounding our thoughts, and coming back into the body. This means just being present with whatever emotion is coming up. Feeling it, mobilizing it, and then letting it go.

#2 When you feel ready, do some relationship cleanup.

Even if we can point to a clear cause of death, loss, breakup, (He always ate my chipotle, never made time for us, always smelled like rotten eggs and failure...) the reason for divorce, ending a friendship, or loss of a pet, grief remains until we work to heal ourselves and then heal the lost relationship. Other grief coaches may call this “finishing” or “completing” a relationship but I’ve found that while we can round out all that we have left unsaid or unresolved, some of us might not want to call a relationship “completed.” In my case, I feel as though I still have a relationship with my Mom. Can I call her on the phone? No... dialing in heaven is more of an "out of area" call and I’m not really equipped to make that connection.

I do still “connect” with her when I talk out loud, write to her, or share her memories. However, others may want to feel that they’ve “closed” a relationship with someone. It’s fine to call it whatever you want, but the practice itself I will continue to refer to as “healing the relationship” or “relationship cleanup” because healing encompasses everything we need to do (like finishing all that was unsaid and unresolved) to loosen the chokehold that grief can have on us.

So how do we begin healing? We can do a few different things. But a great place to start is reflection SANS judgment.

The work: Reflect on moments in your relationship. The positive, the negative, and the neutral. Some folks can find it helpful to make a relationship timeline. But you can simply write out the moments that stand out the most to you right now. It’s helpful to include both neutral AND negative/positive moments. (It’s ok if you can't think of positive moments.) The goal is to observe the relationship. Not judge. Make no critiques or wishes when writing these outs. The point of this exercise is to see all people in our life as human beings who are not necessarily ONLY good or ONLY bad. They are humans who act according to their own past experiences, traumas, or learned/conditioned behavior and beliefs.

#3 Release.

I want to focus on the biggest mess most of us just let lay all over the floor in aisle 5 of our grief-brain: unexpressed “forgiveness.”

Let’s talk about why forgiveness, or what I prefer to call “releasing,” is an important element of healing a relationship. I chose the word “release” very carefully here. I’ve done a lot of grief work and one thing that has never sat right with me is using the term “forgiveness” as the absolute one and only term to utilize in the context of healing from trauma. (Grief can be traumatic, don’t forget.)

Language is the gateway to infinite possibilities because it steers conversations. Conversations (inner and outer) influence behavior. That behavior gets repeated (per human design) and these habitual actions then dictate your reality and experiences. Words literally shape who we are and how we act. So I am using the word “release” specifically instead of “forgive” because I feel as though society (and the oxford dictionary) has the definition of what it means to forgive all wrong in the context of healing, coping, and progressing. This is what has made a major shift in my healing and I’d like for you to consider it for at least the duration of this blog. Feel free to disagree.

Forgive: stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

Similar words: pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit and my absolute least favorite “let off”

Most of us think forgiveness is when someone says sorry, you say it’s ok and then you keep on rolling. According to Mr. Google, you’d be correct. But this type of forgiveness isn’t what helps us. Google tells us “to forgive” is essentially “to cancel.” Cancel a debt, cancel a feeling, cancel an offense.

It’s what is depicted in shows and movies, isn’t it? We see it on the playground all the time. Recess teacher says, “Bruce, apologize to Susie for stealing her chalk,” and Bruce the Bully says “I’m sorry...meep meep meep” in a mocking kind of way. Susie’s like “it’s ok” and then you continue with life on the monkey bars. We see forgiveness portrayed in this way almost exclusively as we grow up and rarely do we see real healing of a relationship, effective communication, or authentic apologies. So we believe apologies are empty and forgiveness means “moving on,” ignoring the fact that you were hurt. However, this is not authentic forgiveness nor does it heal anything.

Forgiveness should not be acceptance or excusal of someone else’s bad behavior. Forgiveness should be an act of freeing oneself from mental oppression. It should have nothing to do with the other person, whether they’ve asked for forgiveness or if they’ve changed.

You might be thinking...Woah... that’s so not what Jesus said. And you’re right. Religion is another reason we get confused about forgiveness. We think forgiveness means deciding to “accept” a person because that is the kind thing to do. The issue with this is that it doesn’t help us in real life because oftentimes when we’ve been hurt, it’s not enough to just hear an apology. We want changed behavior. And a lot of the time, we don't even care about changed behavior. We just want to hold on to resenting a person because as long as we hate them, we feel as though they are being punished. As long as we hate them, all our actions of removing them should be accepted and approved by society. My disdain is proof that I am making the correct choices.

But resentment, hatred, judgment, and blame don’t actually hurt them or gain you approval. Those emotions can only erode the one who holds them.

Other times we don’t even realize we’re holding on to any hurt. It can feel like there’s actually nothing to forgive.... or at least nothing “big” to release. But the thing with relationships is that no one is perfect. There’s always something we wish happened differently. Now is the time to explore that and release it. Whatever it is, no matter how small.

So in real life... outside of textbooks and movie screens... forgiveness isn’t about accepting another person. It’s about freeing yourself from holding on to what has hurt you in the past. That’s why I like to phrase this part as “releasing.” The word forgiveness has a cloud of “it’s not a big deal” around it so you might find it helpful to use these phrases interchangeably depending on how each one makes you feel. If the word forgiveness feels better to you, use it.

• I release this so I can be free.

• I forgive you so that I can be free.

• I release this so I can move on.

• I forgive you so that I can move on.

• I release this so that I can focus on loving myself.

• I forgive you so that I can focus on loving myself.

• I release this so that I can fully let go.

• I forgive you so that I can let go.

• I release this so it doesn’t hurt me anymore.

• I forgive you so that this doesn’t hurt me anymore.

• I release this so that I can free up space in my heart and use my energy for other things.

• I forgive you so that I can free up space in my heart and use my energy for other things.

#4 Remember the nuances of releasing/forgiveness.

Forgiving/Releasing is not the same as condoning. This concept is best explained while analyzing a scene from Gilmore Girls. Don’t watch that show? It’s ok. I’ll play it out for you and include the scene images with hunky Chad Michael Murray in them to keep you focused. ;) Let’s dive in. Cooper boom.

In Season 1, Episode 17 of Gilmore Girls, Rory (girl on right) goes to a party and sees Tristin, the guy who ruthlessly torments her at school. He’s just been publically dumped by his girlfriend and is heartbroken. Rory tries to console him and there’s a quiet moment between the two. Tristin’s heart seems to grow three sizes and he says “I’m sorry I gave you such a hard time for a while.” Rory replies as most people would with a simple “It’s ok.”

Hit pause.

THIS is why the entire world has a hard time with forgiveness. Our society, media, and culture equate forgiveness with condoning and they are not the same thing. Her “it’s ok” translates to “it’s fine that you tormented me.”

The scene goes on and Triston asks “It’s ok?” shocked that Rory is even acknowledging his apology. Rory replies “Well no, but you’re sad.”

Hit pause again.

ANOTHER problematic response. Essentially, she is saying “You hurt me but that doesn’t matter right now because you have just been humiliated. So water under the bridge, my dude.” I would like to take a moment to acknowledge that I love this show. I'm not dissing the writers. I am just using this as an example to make a point! Anyways...

This is a good example of how we have all learned that forgiveness is about the other person! Forgiveness is seen as something we must give in order for the harm-doer to be healed. But how does that make sense? They’ve now done their duty to right their wrongs simply by saying “I’m sorry”?! I DON’T THINK SO! But that’s what forgiveness has come to be known as. It’s something to be earned and to obtain it all you need to do is ASK! All of this: false. Lies. Untrue and unhelpful.

Forgiveness is not acceptance or ignorance of someone else’s bad behavior. Forgiveness is an act of freeing oneself from mental oppression and past hurt. It has NOTHING to do with the other person, whether they’ve asked for forgiveness or if they’ve changed. You give forgiveness to heal yourself, not to heal someone else.

And so finally in this episode, Tristin apologies once more with oomf behind his words, and Rory concludes with “I accept your apology.” I wish this was her first response because the other two replies perpetuate the wrong idea about forgiveness. It’s not okay that he treated her poorly no matter the reason. And while asking for forgiveness is a step in the right direction for Tristin’s healing journey, Rory accepting the apology is merely an acknowledgment of his repentance. It doesn’t mean he’s earned a space in her life, her affection, or her trust. All he gained was recognition of his words.

I’m going to say that again.

Accepting an apology is an acknowledgment of repentance. It doesn’t earn someone space in your life, your affection, or your trust. It frees you, but it doesn’t give them any liberties.

But in terms of healing from your grief, forgiveness is still not something one needs to earn. People need to earn your trust, time, and energy. But when all of those things are off the table to begin with, forgiveness can seem futile. Why forgive when I am NEVER going to give them any of those things anymore (ie divorce, ending a friendship, a breakup, severance of family ties, loss of someone you never really loved in the first place)? Why forgive them when they’re gone and they won’t be able to physically receive my forgiveness or make anything of it (ie death of a loved one)?

Because the act of forgiveness alleviates resentment. Resentment breeds toxic thoughts which usually turn into beliefs. Those negative beliefs breed dis-ease in our bodies keeping us mentally stuck in the past, unable to grow in a different direction, causing us to miss out on many positive opportunities and joys of life.

Forgiveness is for the individual.

When Tristin asked for forgiveness, that was his first step in healing. Whether or not Rory accepted the apology shouldn’t affect his pursuit to continue being a better person. Because the truth is, not everyone is going to accept apologies. His healing act was simply asking. Rory cannot heal him with her answer. He must heal himself by doing much more inner work. It’s a nice cherry on top for the scene and scenario but the whipped cream, fudge, and hell, the whole ice cream scoop doesn’t exist without his own work to be a better human.

But here’s the real kicker.... Tristin didn’t actually need to ask Rory directly for forgiveness in order to start healing. Apologies and forgiveness can be perceived as an act of aggression when they involve two parties who do not have a healthy relationship in the first place. If you watch GG, you know that Rory isn’t the type to lash out but Paris Gellar on the other hand... is definitely the type of girl who could get an apology and immediately turn the conversation into a battlefield.

So let’s say that Tristin and Rory never spoke again after high school but a year later it’s still eating Tristin alive that he was so horrible to her. Apologizing in a letter that he never sends still can act as a tool for his healing. Healing comes when you believe you are worth forgiving. Start with humility, practice, forgive yourself, and keep moving forward. You never need to involve the other person. (The exception being, obviously, if you want to continue having a relationship with that person. That’s a whole different story that involves a lot more inner work and changed behavior. And even with changed behavior, another human being doesn’t owe you anything. Ever.)

But had Rory decided she was going to forgive Triston on her own (without ever involving him in her act of forgiveness), that would be HER healing step. She wouldn’t need Triston to receive her forgiveness for her to be free of what harmed her in the past. How can this be? Forgiveness is the act of letting go, making space in your heart, and more importantly, in your mind for new growth in place of resentment. But again, our society treats forgiveness as the one-stop-shop for healing when really it’s only one part of the process.

Forgiveness is NOT:

• condoning bad behavior

• ignoring the hurt caused

• rationalizing why someone hurt you

• pretending something didn’t happen

• resolving a problem

• reconciling a relationship

• an all-encompassing tool for healing trauma

Forgiveness is:

• acknowledging you’ve been hurt (validating your emotions)

• letting go so you can make space for more inner peace

The act of forgiveness is actually quite complicated because it needs to fit in alongside many other healing habits to contribute to the growth and freeing of the mind. If you’re building a house, you need a variety of tools, resources, time, and experts, to make the architecture come to life. Forgiveness is only a 2 by 4 in the grand scheme of building your Healing House. It can lay the foundation for growth to begin but it’s only a fraction of the entity you’re working on.

If you’re working through a breakup, forgiveness is a key element to moving on, making space for new thoughts, new beliefs, AND new opportunities for relationships with people more aligned with you and your values.

We want so badly for people to understand how they hurt us. We want them to know what it felt like to be us. Sometimes we go so far as to believe revenge is the best method of curing our pain. The voice inside your head might say, “In order to move forward I need vindication.” That voice inside your head would be singing a different tune if you learned how to cope in a healthy way but instead, it has absorbed what society, parents, and media have sold us as the path to healing. Other times we just feel plain sad that we never got the chance to express our hurt and work through it with the other person. But now that you understand the importance and value of forgiving and releasing, you can take some action steps to do it.

The work: Use your reflection of big moments in the previous tip to pick out one or two moments where you need to release whatever resentment or hurt you feel towards this person or the relationship in general. Find a safe space and start by regulating your breathing. Take a few deep breaths and just sit for a moment. Slow your breath as much as you can and notice whatever physical sensations may arise. Continue to take some big belly breaths.

Use the outline below to do some exploring of one of your big moments and write out your release statement. If you feel compelled, keep writing. Every situation is different and this is not going to heal all your past trauma. It’s just a starting point.

Template:

When ______ happened, I felt ___________. In that moment, what I really needed was __________. I am give myself grace for how I acted (or did not act) at that time. I [insert preferred word choice of “forgive” or “release”] all that happened in this moment so that I may be free. I deserve peace.

I release the [negative emotion] I associate with this moment so that I can free up space in my heart to love myself more through this whole process and especially when looking back on my relationship with [person]. I only acted with the awareness/resources/understanding/confidence I had at the time.

I know my emotions around this event may come around from time to time and I will choose to acknowledge it and then also let it go.